Two in the morning, and I can't sleep. I've lost it over stray dogs. Literally. As I'm blogging this, there are a couple of mongrels outside home who are barking their heads and asses off.

If that wasn't enough, I wake up in the morning, with groggy eyes, to meet my copy of Times of India. It's come to a stage where I silently pray, hoping that there isn't a Manjunath smiling back on the cover-page. Two murders in town are bad enough, already.

I still remember the good old days, where stray dogs were just harmless nuisance. You'd walk on a dark alley in an unknown part of town, your hands in your girlfriend's (or maybe, your girlfriend in your hands?), you're walking slowly, all cuddled up, and the friendly neighborhood stray came trotting by.

Your girl shrieks, and she makes sounds that'll find you her roots. For instance, she might scream an aah (if she has rural roots), or go aaaaahh (brought up on the suburbs of Bangalore), possbily an aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh (a definite M.G. Roadie), or maybe just stick to shouting f**k f**k f**k f**k F**K! (NRI, baby, pure-blood full blown N-R-I).

And you, the fata-poster-nikla-lame-hero that thou art, put up your most menacing look, stamp your feet on the ground, and scream out "Daaeei" loud, reminiscent of Rajnikanth. (pronounced: day-ee)

And the stray runs ahead, wondering why this weird couple interrupted his evening walk with weird sounds. For cryin' out loud, he didn't even open his mouth!

But, for a moment, let's get back to reality. This ain't the Bangalore of 2005, but the Bengalooru of 2007. Stray dogs have since adapted. They're murderers lurking in the dark corners, and the worst part - we can't retaliate. Will the real Maneka Gandhis please stand up ... please stand up ... please stand up ... and pray tell us, what value are these strays adding to our environment? We love animals, atleast, I do, but when they get in our way of survival, ahimsa be damned. Give these dogs a bloody bullet - that's what I ask of the government, and the various animal protection trusts around.

So, smart-ass-me calls for a canine curfew. Nominate a day of the week, for instance, Wednesdays. All families need to ensure that their pets remain indoors on the day of this canine-curfew. All sympathetic slum-dwellers can take their favorite friendly neighboorhood stray indoors. But Wednseday morning, at 8.00 am - we want a patrol that drives around town, and attempts a quick disinfection of a stray dog in sight. If that fails, the dog needs to be disposed. Let these rogues guard the government that's protecting them, if it has to, but they need to be moved out of residential areas that could be potentially dangerous.

If this doesn't happen, we'll be forced to see more Manjunaths on the front page. And then, we'd matter-of-factly turn to Page 2, and see the health minister make a grave, determined statement, handing a cheque of a lakh to the departed's family, before going back to his part of town where there are more commandos than strays.

And, seriously, if a few "innocent" strays are killed in this process, then so be it. If the government can live with a few hundred (maybe, thousand?) innocent Kashmiris losing their lives on the border in the fight against "Jehadis", then what's wrong with losing a few stray dogs? No, I mean, seriously?

I live in Chinnappa Gardens, Bangalore, an area that acts as quarters for one of the largest stray-dog population in the city. There are definitely more rogue canines here than you would find in the -jayanagars (that includes Vi-jaynagar and San-jayanagar too, by the way). They lead a comparatively luxurious life. For instance, they have free food for the taking, at the trash dumps that are never cleaned on time, and sometimes by families who show them sympathy. They look thinner than the cute Labrador at home simply because they're generally more active than the rest.

Stray dogs get to crap or take a leak anywhere they like. There's free sex for the taking too, and they needn't worry about looks, cholesterol, or gymming. All they need to do is find a b**ch, and have sex all night, have as many kids as they like to, without worrying about condoms or a hum-do-humare-do population control restriction. Reminds me of the soceity I used to stay at in Pune, where two fanatically desperate dogs I've ever seen, made out every day, all the time.

Easy life, really. Only pigeons lead a better life - they don't need Red Bull to fly.